Home \
Squackle
Broadcasting Company \ Movie: Hot Wax Vol. 1
*oj simpson steps out of the shadows and addresses the camera*
oj: hi i'm john lithgow, and welcome to the hot wax tales. some of these
stories are true, some aren't, can you decide? we'll see....
*he gives a stern nod with his eyes closed, then returns to normal*
oj: first up, a sidesplitting tale of a small boy getting a bj. hey, they
don't call them "toddlers" for nothing!
*he gives a big smile, square wipe to the first title*
STORY 1: THE GET-GO
*Fade into a man walking his dog down a busy street, the main character
narrarates*
houston: ah, new york city. the only place i wanted to be...it seemed so
perfect.
*as he's saying this, a small slideshow is being shown, displaying a small
cafe, the subway, and the hollywood sign*
houston: (still narrarating) but things aren't always what they seem.
*cut to houston's face as he looks on in disbelief*
houston: you're firing me!?
*the camera pans around to show a fat guy smoking a cigar putting things
into a box*
boss: you know i don't want to houston, but this company has fell flat ever
since i lost that poker game.
*houston looks off in worry as the boss walks around him. the boss puts the
box down and turns to houston, who also turns to him*
boss: look, i know a guy in the cabby business that can hook you up, you
should give him a call.
*the boss picks up a small piece of paper and hands it to houston. cut to
houston walking down the crowded sidewalk*
houston narrarating: cab business? what do i look like, one of those feminine
guys that'll listen to all the jackasses in the city tell me about their
day while i drive them to their next drug fix?
*he walks past the camera's view. cut to him sitting at his bed that night
sighing. he picks up a picture sitting on his nightstand*
houston narrarating: sometimes i wonder why roxeanne had to leave me so soon...
*houston sulks down*
houston narrarating: she was so dear to me...
*flashback to roxeanne walking up the aisle*
houston narrarating: it was the day of our wedding, as she walked up the
aisle i could feel my heart pounding out of me. i'd never felt anything like
this.
*cut to the two of them standing in front of father grimes with their hands
held*
father grimes: if anyone disagrees with the marriage of these two, speak
now or forever hold your pea-
*houston's drunken father henry busts through the doors wearing a cowboy
hat and depends*
henry: let's get this show on the road!
*henry gets out a revolver and shoots it into the air. seven monkeys jump
through a window nearby and begin screaming loudly, then they hold hands
and start doing a linedance. the marriage crowd is now skeletons, one of
them stands*
skeleton: court is in session, jackass!
father grimes (off-screen): not if i have anything to do with it!
*the skeleton looks over in surprise, father grimes is riding a wrecking
ball and coming toward him*
skeleton: son of a-
*the wrecking ball hits him and collides with the church wall, making it
collapse. cut to henry pelvic thrusting on the podium*
henry: oooooh yeah, ooooooh yeah, oooooh yeah, ooooooh
*zoom in on his face*
henry: shiiiiiiiiit!
*a pirate is flying toward the camera in slow motion. the pirate tackles
henry and they start punching each other in the face. cut to a zoomed out
view of the church: there's fires and skeletons fighting everywhere. cut
to roxeanne crying in her room, still in her wedding dress. a knock is heard*
roxeanne: go away!
*houston opens the door slowly and walks in, he puts his hand on her shoulder*
houston: it'll be ok...we can get married at a different chapel
*zoom in on houston's face as roxeanne speaks*
roxeanne (off-screen): it's not that...it's just...
*cut to zoomed out shot: roxeanne stands up and is now a new yorkan taxi
driver, he tips his hat*
rox the taxi driver: big new yoika! only 9.99!
houston: (disgusted) give me back my girlfriend!
*houston punches rox in the mouth, he falls on the floor and lets out a huge
fag shriek. he then starts spinning around, curly style*
rox: i'm a maaaaniac, maaaaaniac, on the floo-hoor! (as houston leaves crying)
and i'm dancin' like i've never danced be-
*the door slams. cut to houston crying, still looking at the picture*
22221..
houston narrarating: i knew i would have trouble sleeping that night.
*cut to houston snoring at a comically high volume, the sun in the window
behind him goes up and down eight times in fast motion. finally he gets up*
houston: (stretching) aahh!
*houston scratches his balls and walks off-camera. cut to him shaving between
his eyes in front of a mirror*
houston narrarating: every morning i wonder what life would be like if i
still had her...
*houston washes his face off, a gigantic whitehead is now on his forehead.
zoom in on this while he squeezes, at last it shoots on the mirror with a
loud plopping sound. cut to side view: he stands up proudly and is now wearing
a business suit, suddenly the place he just popped starts shooting out dark
blood like a super soaker. the burst gets bigger and bigger, making the bathroom
almost knee deep in his blood. he walks off-camera proudly. cut to him walking
up to the taxi company*
houston narrarating: i couldn't believe i was going through with this, after
all i had been through...no man has ever had to cope with what happened to
me, i should be pitied by everyone in the world...alas, things never work
out quite the way you want them to.
*houston walks up to a man with his back turned*
houston: hey uh..i'm here for a job, my boss said that y-
*the guy turns around, it's rox*
houston: oh my...
*houston starts backing up with his hands on his mouth*
houston: oh...wow....oh my
*he keeps backing up until he gets to a cliff*
houston: it just can't be...please...
*houston continues walking backwards, somehow not falling even when he steps
over the cliff edge. finally he stops, still in mid-air. cut to rox, now
wearing a tuxedo and sitting at a small fancy table with spaghetti in a plate
in front of him. rox picks up some of it with his fork and holds it close
to his mouth*
rox: bon appetit.
*he puts the spaghetti in his mouth, causing houston to fall down the center
of the canyon*
houston: nooooooo!!
*he hits the bottom hard. an ambulance drives up and two guys get out carrying
a stretcher and an axe. they cut off houston's leg and put it on the stretcher,
then put it into the ambulance. they get back in and drive off, cut to rox*
rox: victory never tasted so sweet...
voice: you sure about that?
*rox turns around, it's henry, still clad in his cowboy hat and depends*
*houston raises up in his sleep with a scream, he breathes heavily for a
few seconds and calms down*
houston: it was only a dream...
*suddenly henry sits up beside him wearing a lobster bib*
henry: or was it!?
*jolting music, cut to black*
*fade into oj simpson reading a joke book*
oj: welcome back, i was just catching up on my reading. listen to this one...what
do you get when you mix salad with coleslaw? ....a brown betty.
*he smiles for almost a minute straight, as if he's waiting for the audience
to stop laughing*
oj: this next story reflects on our past, do we really know what happened
when we were two?
*he looks like he's about to ask another question, but it's apparent that
he can't think of one*
oj: there are so many questions one may have about their childhood, so grab
a beverage, snuggle close to your spouse, and watch this. i know i will.
*he smiles as it fades to black. the title of the next segment pops up on
the screen with jolting music*
STORY 2: SEVERED DICKS AND HOCKEY STICKS
*fade into a chinese man in a praying stance with gothic choir music playing,
suddenly he stops praying*
chinese man: time for my daily test.
*the chinese man goes over to a large block of steel and starts punching
it*
voice-over: he was to punch steel until his hand was as hard as the grey
wolf's everlasting gaze...
*after the third punch, the chinese man steps back and wipes his forehead*
chinese man: time to call it a day.
*cut to the chinese man driving an indy car*
chinese man: i'm going to win this race!
*suddenly the car spins out and starts flipping down a steep hill, it hits
the bottom and explodes. cut to a black man sitting on a sofa*
voice-over: this is derek, he is very concerned with what just happened.
tv: this chinese man just died in a car wreck, hooow terrible!
derek: like i give a rat's ass!
*he turns it to the playboy channel and starts jacking off, right there on
camera. the ghost of the chinese man comes down and punches derek in the
side of the face. derek stumbles over and sticks his head into the tv, making
him jolt and scream loudly*
ghost of chinese man: (pointing to breasts) these are real!
*the ghost flies toward derek, who ducks out of the way. the ghost hits the
wall and falls on his back*
derek: time to meet your maker.
*derek is now wearing a spider-man outfit and holding a samurai sword, he
does three flips and plunges the sword deep into the ghost's chest. blood
squirts up with a sickening squeal, splattering against the ceiling*
the ghost: if only i would've...
*the camera starts zooming out with hard wind blowing sounds, once the camera
is out of the house it pans up and zooms into the sky. cut to the chinese
man punching steel, he punches it eleven times and walks over to a cardboard
cut out. he screams and punches the cutout's face off. he smiles and gets
into a praying stance. cut to his indy car flipping off the cliff and exploding*
voice-over: things were going to be different this time.
*cut to his ghost drop kicking derek*
derek: you gonna get it!
*derek reaches to punch but the ghost ducks and grabs his crotch. derek shouts
and flaps his arms around. finally the ghost lets go*
ghost: dragon fist!
*he barely misses derek's head and gets his head stuck in the tv, derek runs
after him and kicks his ass, pushing the ghost through the wall and into
the sunny suburban lawn. the ghost pulls the tv off his head and lays, unable
to move*
derek: shia-matzu!!
*derek is now wearing the spider-man costume and wielding the samurai sword,
he jumps into the air in slow motion*
ghost (voice-over as if he's thinking): that was the name of my car!
*white flash to derek eating chicken over a bowl full of grease, the grease
from the chicken leaks from his mouth into the bowl. cut to him rubbing the
grease all over the chinese man's tires before the race starts. cut back
to the ghost as he rolls out of the way. the samurai sword sticks into the
ground, shoving the handle through derek's eye. derek looks up, showing blood
all over his spider-man mask. he lumbers after the ghost moaning*
ghost: this is the end of you, sir!
*the ghost punches off derek's head, blood flows out of the neck stump and
the body falls over. the ghost goes into his praying stance*
voice-over: and that's the end of that story.
*the ghost pulls out the sword and takes off the mask; it's not derek*
voice-over: or maybe not...
*cut to black*
*fade into oj simpson holding two shockers*
oj: clear!
*he presses them against his chest and makes the sound effects of him getting
shocked as he falls into the floor shaking. his eyes close and he remains
unmoving for several seconds. suddenly his eyes open. he stands up, brushes
himself off, and sits back down, all while laughing*
oj: that story almost gave me a heart attack!
*cut to a view two inches to the left, oj turns toward the camera*
oj: up next, a futuristic tale about three serial killers that end up being
eaten alive by alligators! the ending comes about when zach m-
*cut to black, fade into the next title*
STORY 3: GOLDEN HEARTS
*fade into a man wearing armor crouched behind a crate, there's blue lasers
flying over his head. he rolls forward and jumps into a ditch, there he converses
with a dying man*
man wearing armor: don, what did they do to you!?
don: they...shot me, mayor lyle. i'm dying....here, take my gu-
lyle: ok!
*lyle grabs the gun and stands up, he proudly walks on don's face and out
of the ditch*
lyle: eat this, shitheads!
*he starts firing large lasers toward the camera, cut to guys falling down
and exploding everywhere, cut back to lyle. he spins the gun on his finger
and blows out the smoke*
lyle: all in a day's work
*zoom out slowly to show dead smoking bodies all around him, the camera zooms
out of a crystal ball and pans up to jay leno watching lyle*
jay leno: just you wait lyle, just you wait!
*jay leno starts laughing ridiculously loudly, he turns toward the camera
while the camera zooms into the darkness of his mouth*
*cut to lyle in the bathtub scrubbing his chest with a soap on a rope. the
bathroom phone rings*
lyle: i'm not getting you!
*it rings again*
lyle: hey, don't start this again!
*and again*
lyle: no, YOUR mom!
*cut to the phone as it stops ringing, devious music plays as the camera
follows the chord slowly up: jay leno is holding the disconnected end of
the wire*
leno: what's wrong lyle, phone been calling you names again?
lyle: whoa! i saw you on tv! what an hono-
leno: you can certainly shut the fuck up any minute now lyle.
*there's a short uncomfortable silence*
leno: good. now you listen here and you listen good. i want you dead.
lyle: but why? i never did anything to you!
*leno seems to be hurt by lyle's lack of respect*
leno: i suggest you take a nosedive in that shit coming out of your mouth....
*he pulls up a stool next to the tub and sits*
leno: how about we cut a deal?
lyle: i'm listening.
leno: you hand over your key to the city, you live.
lyle: but...come on!
leno: it's my way or the freeway lyle, and either way you're going to get
raped with a windshield wiper.
*lyle gulps loudly and slowly raises a key out of the water, he slaps it
into leno's palm*
leno: good deal.
*leno walks out and slams the door*
leno: (muffled) get em boys!
*lyle lets out a startled cry and jumps up, completely naked. two men wearing
business suits run in as "wipeout" begins to play. lyle kicks one of them
in the face and wraps the other around the neck with the soap on a rope,
then smashes his face through the mirror. he grabs a towel and runs out.
here he's greeted by two more businessmen. the one on the left runs at him
and he snaps the towel right into his eye, blood spurts out and the businessman
falls back into a pile of boxes, the fall rewinds and replays in fast motion
four times. the music stops*
lyle: you want some too!?
*the businessman bows*
businessman: yes please!
*the music starts playing again. lyle opens the fridge and gets a glass of
oj. he splashes it all over the floor just as the businessman starts running.
the businessman jumps in the air and falls straight on the back his neck,
doing a neckstand for three seconds then falling over. a businessman comes
from the bathroom behind lyle and pushes him forward into the next room.
four businessmen circle in on lyle slowly as he looks around in worry. suddenly
lyle jumps up and grabs the ceiling fan. he spreads his legs and starts kicking
everyone in the face repeatedly, finally they all fly back in different
directions*
lyle: yeeeehaw!
*jay leno runs up screaming and jumps on lyle as the music stops, pulling
the ceiling fan down on their piled up bodies. leno slowly stands up and
leans against the wall. lyle gets to his knees*
lyle: i thought we had a deal!
leno: deal with this!
*he pulls out a smoke grenade and throws it down, sending smoke blowing all
over the room. lyle coughs and holds his mouth until the smoke goes away;
leno is nowhere to be found*
lyle: get back here, leno!
*cut to a glass door as lyle smashes through it in slow motion. he stands
in the moonlight of the cloudy night and looks over, the camera pans over
to leno in a sedan, he flips lyle off and spins away*
lyle: he...got away...
*lyle looks down slowly, fade out*
*fade back into leno watching the cosby show on a leather couch. the words
"two years later" appear at the bottom of the screen for a few seconds, then
disappear. cosby on the tv rolls his eyes and leno laughs along with the
tv audience. he turns it off*
leno: (yawning) man i'm sleepy!
*he claps twice and the lights go out. he lays down on the sofa and closes
his eyes. suddenly the place starts rumbling. leno jumps and looks toward
the window*
leno: what the hell is that!?
*he runs over to the window and looks out. cut to his face as he screams
in horror. cut to lyle, still naked, driving a monster truck toward leno's
house. the truck smashes into it and tears the whole house down. cut to lyle
as he laughs loudly, pleased with what has happened. zoom into his mouth
as his laugh drones off into the distance*
*fade into oj simpson brushing his teeth, he looks over at the camera*
oj: oh!
*some of the toothpaste in his mouth shoots out and sticks to the camera*
oj: thank you for watching hot wax! be sure to tune in next time for the
hot wax second volume anniversary! i'm john lithgow, goodnight.
*he smiles, the toothpaste still all over his mouth and teeth. the credits
start rolling as a rock version of "i'm a toys r us kid" plays and clips
from the show appear in the background*
the end
Home \
Squackle Broadcasting
Company \ Movie: Hot Wax Vol. 1 | 
