Squackle! The Funniest Site on the Net

If you have blonde jokes that aren't on here, submit them below. Please don't submit variations of the same joke.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a 747? A: Not everybody's been in a 747

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that won the gold medal at the olympics? A: She had it bronzed.

- she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

- at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"...she put Sagittarius."

- when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.

- when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.

2. There is a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead and they are running from the police. They run into an alley. The brunette jumps into a box, the redhead jumps behind a trash can and the blonde jumps into an old potato sack. The cops come down the alley. They kick the box and the brunette goes "ARF ARF!!" "oh, it's just an old dog." the policeman says. Then they kick the trash can and the redhead goes "MEOW!!" "oh, it's just an old cat" the policman says. Then they kick the potato sack and the blonde yells "POTATO POTATO POTATO!!!!!"

A blonde was sitting in the middle of a corn field, fishing. Another blonde pulls up in her car next to the corn field and says, "What the hell are you doing?" The blonde in the rowboat says, "I'm fishing." The blonde in the car says, "I would come in there and fish too, but I can't swim."

2. I know a blonde that was so stupid, she got locked in a mattress store and slept on the floor. (this was submitted by another guy named Joe, but who cares)

1. A blonde woman gets on a plane headed for Miami. The blonde woman has a coach ticket but spots an open seat in first class, so, she takes it. The flight attendant walks up and says, "I'm sorry, Miss, but you will have to go back to your seat in coach." The blonde woman refuses, "I'm blonde, I'm a woman, and I'm staying right here."

Then the flight attendant goes to get the captain and brings him back to the problem blonde. The captain says, "Miss, you have to go back to your seat now." She responds with, "I'm blonde, I'm a woman, and I'm staying right here.."

Then the captain bends over and whispers something in the blonde's ear. She then gets up and walks back to her seat in coach. The flight attendant is amazed and askes, "How did you do that?" The captain simply said, "I told her this half of the plane wasn't going to Miami."

2. Three Blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..."

"Wrong!" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

The third blonde continued, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

3. Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentlemen replied, "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! Okay, I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "Okay, now I have a propostition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

4. There was a blonde and a brunette watching the 6 o' clock news. The top story was about a man on top of the Rose Hotel threatening to jump. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "I bet you $50 he is going to jump." The blonde says, "Okay, then I'll bet he won't." Sure enough, the man jumped. When the blonde paid the brunett the brunette says, "I'm sorry but I can't accept your money." The blonde replies, "Sure you can. It was a fair bet, you won." Then the brunette says, "No, I saw the 5 o' clock news and I already knew what was going to happen." Then the blonde says, "Well, I saw the 5 o' clock news too and I was sure he wouldn't jump again!"

5. There are three girls going on a long car trip in the desert. One has brown hair, one is a redhead, and other is a blonde. All of a sudden the car stops. "Darn, it won't start!" exclaims the brown haired girl. "Okay, we'll just have to walk across the desert to get help," says the redhead, "So, bring anything that is necessary for survival." The brunette brings some water in a big bottle. The redhead bring a hand held fan, and the blonde goes over to the car and rips off the car door. As they are walking the girls dcide to stop to take a break. The brunette drinks some water, and the redhead turns on the little fan. The blonde rolls down the car window and says, "Ahh, now that's better!"

6. There's this blonde who walks into a convenience store. She picks up a thermos and asks the clerk, "What is this thing?" The clerk responds, "It's a thermos. It keeps hot htings hot and cold things cold."

"Neat," says the blonde and buys the thermos. The next day she goes to work with her new thermos. A co-worker asks her, "I like your new thermos. What do you have in it?" She proudly says, "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."

7. There is a brunette, redhead, and a blonde being held captive and they are going to be executed. They bring out the brunette and say, "Any last words?" She replied, "No." The guys with the guns said, "Ready aim..."

"TORNADO," yells the brunette. Everyone ducked and she ran away. Then they bring out the redhead. "Any last words?" they asked. "No," she replied. "Ready aim..."

"EARTHQUAKE," yelled the redhead. They all ducked and she ran away. Lastly, they bring out the blonde. "Any last words?" asked the firing squad. "No," the blonde said. "Ready aim....."

...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."

...when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.

Q: A smart blonde and a dumb blonde jumped off the empire state building. Who landed 1st? A: The dumb blonde, smart ones dont exsist!

A blonde is going on vacation, and she's lookin' for a little extra money. She knocks on her nieghbors door and and asks if there are any odd-end jobs she could do. He was like you know actully my porch needs to get painted. She looks at it and says ok I'll do it for $50 bucks. He was like whoa thats a great deal, you can go ahead and get started, paints in the shed. The man comes back out in a couple hours and sees that there is no paint on the porch. The blonde is walking up the sidewalk as he is about to protest about the porch. As she nonchalently says, " I put on two coats becuase there was extra paint. Ohh and it's not a Porsche... It's a Lexus."

Q: Why are brunettes so proud of their hair color? A: It matches their moustache

A blonde is going on vacation, and she's lookin' for more money to give her that's how stupid she is. You know why she is blonde? Because her boyfriend is Blonde too. Damn blonde.................

Q: Why dont blondes go water skiing? A: They lay down as soon as theyre crotches get wet

Q: Why did the blonde climb the glass fence? A: To see what was on the other side

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A: If you slap a mosquito, it'll stop sucking.

Q: Which 3rd grader has the best body, the blonde, brunette or redhead? A: The blonde - she's eighteen.

Q: What did the blonde say to her dad when she opened the box of Cheerios? A: "Look daddy, donut seeds!"

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in a handicap zone.

Q: How do you kow a blonde is having a bad day? A: She can't find her pencil and her tampon is behind her ear

There's a blonde, brunette, and a redhead all stranded on an island. They are about 30 miles from land, and the brunette bets the redhead and blonde she could swim to land first, and if she didn't, then she'd pay them both $100. Well they all started swimming, and 10 miles into the swim, the redhead became tired and drowns. The blonde and brunette continued, and about 2 miles from shore the blonde became tired, turned around and went back. The brunette, just turned around and said what a dumbass, and never heard from the blonde again.

There was a blond ecoyote that got caught in a bear trap. It chewed off three of its legs to get free and it was still stuck.

Q: How do you know if a blonde's been trying to send an e-mail? A: There's an envelope in the disc drive.

Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 500, 1 to hold the lightbulb and 499 to turn the house

A blind man enters a Ladies' Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things .....

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah...Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

There was a blonde and she pulled in front of a truck driver on the road and the truck driver got her to pull over and he drew a circle on the road with some chalk and said "stay in this circle" so he went in his truck and got a knife and cut her seats and the blonde laughed. He gets some gas and pours it on her car and she laughed more. He got a match and threw it on the car. The blonde was laughing so much when he asked why she said "Every time you turned around I STEPPED OUT OF THE CIRCLE"

A skyscaper is on fire, there are three people on the top of the building, waiting to be rescued; a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. there are people standing on the streets holding out a blanket and asking them to jump. the brunette jumped and they moved the blanket away. She fell to her death. the crowds were asking the redhead to jump but she said no. "don't worry, we all hate brunettes and love redheads." She believed it and jumped, and again, they moved the blanket and she fell to her death. The blonde quickly shouted, "okay, I will jump but only on one condition. You all must put the blanket on the floor and back off 10 meteres, then I will jump.

There is a blonde and a brunette that own a ranch and it is going to be sold if they cant increase the cow herd, so the brunette goes to find a bull for the herd and tells the blonde she will fax her so the blonde can take the truck, hitch it to the trailer and come get the bull. The brunette takes $60 and goes to a neighboring ranch. She finds a bull and pays $59 for it. Then she goes and tries to send a fax, but the cost is $.99 per word. The brunette thinks a minute and then says to send the word "comfortable". The operator looks at the brunette funny, so she says " Don't worry, my sisters a blonde so she'll read it slow"

Q: Do you know what the diferance between a blonde and the Titantic is? A: Not every one has been on the Titantic.

Q: A blonde and a brunette jump off a cliff. Who lands first? A: The brunette, because the blonde has to ask for directions

I went to the mall with my cousin, and we were walking to his car when we passed 2 blondes. They were trying to open their car with a hanger. My cousin asked one of the girls if she needed any help, and she replied, "Yes, and will you hurry up, because the top is down and it looks like it's gonna rain soon."

Q: Why did the blonde get chucked out of the M&M factory? A: Because she threw out all the W's!

A blonde walks into an appliance store, looks around, points and tells the shopkeeper, "Sir, I'd like the TV on the 3rd shelf." The shopkeeper looks at her, and says , "I'm sorry ma'am,we don't serve blondes. Please leave." The blonde was very angry, so she went home, dyed her hair brown , and returned the next day. She asked the shopkeeper, "How much is the tv on the 3rd shelf?" The shopkeeper looked at her, sighed, and said, "Look ma'am, we don't serve blondes! please leave." By this time, the girl was infuriated. So she went home, shaved her head, and came back the next day. She asked the shopkeeper about the TV, and he told her, "Ma'am. I've told you . we don't serve blondes, so you'll have to leave." The blonde, in a rage, demanded, "how could you tell I am a blonde???" The shopkeeper looked at her, shook his head, and said, "Because that's not a TV... It's a microwave."

There were three woman stuck on an island, a blonde, redhead, and a brunette. They find a magic lamp and get 1 wish each from the genie inside. The redhead wishes to be back home with her family. The brunette wishes to be richer and off the island (which is actualy two wishes, but the genie grants them anyway). And the blonde says "Well, I'm kind of lonely. I wish my friends were back!"

Q: How do know a blonde has been using your computer ? A: There's white out all over the screen

Q: Why did the blonde have trouble going to the bathroom? A: Shes not used to pulling down her own pants.

A blonde named Haley decided to put togther a puzzle, so she sat down and took the pieces out of the box. She sat there for an hour before she asked her husband for help "Can you help me put the puzzle togther, its supposed to be a tiger." He came over looked down at the puzzel, then up at his wife and said, "Honey, put the Frosted Flakes back into the box."

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, the WalMart manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

A redhead went to a doctor and said "Doctor, doctor, help me everywhere I touch hurts! Then the doctor says, "What do you mean it hurts everywhere?" The redhead said look she took one finger and poked her stomach and started crying and showed the doctor, taking the same finger and poked her leg, starting to cry and saying it was hurting really bad. Then the doctor says, "Ma'am you're not really a redhead, are you? Are you a blonde?" The lady says "How did you know doctor?" The doctor replies, "your finger is broken."

One day there was a blonde driving down the road and was listening to the radio. The person on the radio kept telling blonde joke after blonde joke so she turned off the radio. A little while later she sees a blonde in a cornfield in a rowboat so she pulls over gets out and yells "Its blonds like you that give us a bad name, if I could swim I would come out there and kick your ass."

Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb. A: 500 1 to hold the lightbulb 499 to turn the house

This isn't a joke but how to make a blonde joke is to go up to your friend, point at a true blonde and say "Hey you wanna know a blonde joke? (that girls name goes here)

Q: How do you drown a blonde? A: Put a scratch n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

Q: What does a blonde do when she chucks a brick through a window? A: She asks for it back.

Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in a closet? A: Last year's hide-and-seek winner. NOTE TO BLONDES: She died because she was hiding for so long and her body decomposed and stuff! But she was too dumb to get out of the closet. Get it?

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? A: The washing machine doesn't follow you around for weeks after you put a load into it.

There were 5 blondes and 1 brunette hanging on a rope on the edge of a cliff. The rope could only hold 5 people and it was just about to snap. The brunette says, "Save yourselves, I'll let go" and sure enough she did. Amazed at the brunettes bravery all the blondes clap.

There was a brunette mother who had two teenage blonde daughters. She asked them if they could paint the house while she went shopping. They both agreed, and right before the mother left the house, she asked them not to get their clothes dirty. So then she took off, and the two blondes obeyed their mother by taking off their clothes so they wouldnt get them dirty. Then when they were about halfway done, they heard a knock on the door, so without opening the door, they asked who it was, and the person on the other side answered "the blind man." So the two blondes thought, ok, hes blind, he cant see anything...so they opened the door and the blind man said, "nice tits, ladies, but where do you want the blinds?"

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic? The titanic only went down once.

1. A blonde goes to a hairdresser to get a hair cut. She sits down in the chair with her walkman on and the earphones in her ears. The hairdresser says "I'm sorry, Miss, but I'll have to take out those earphones so I can cut your hair." The blonde replies "you can't, I need them to live." The hairdresser starts cutting her hair with her earphones still on. Then the hairdresser says again "Im sorry, Miss but I really need to take out those earphones so I can cut your hair" she gets the same answer and continues cutting. for the last and final time she asks "Miss, I really need to take out those earphones to cut your hair" "no," says the blonde "I need it to live" ignoring her answer the hairdresser yanks teh earphones out and the blonde falls dead. "Weird," thinks the hairdresser. she puts the earphones in her ears and plays the cd that plays "breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out"

2. A blonde, a brunette and a redhead go out hunting. The brunette goes out and comes back with a deer. "How did you do that?" asks the blonde and the redhead. The brunette replies "I followed its tracks." The redhead goes out and also comes back with a deer. "How did you do that?" the blonde and the brunette ask. "I followed its tracks" the redhead says. The blonde goes and and follows the tracks... and gets hit by a train!

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. They entered a bar and when the waitress came over they ordered some drinks. A few minutes later they went to the bathroom and there was a woman sitting outside. The woman said "Beware of our new attraction, the mirror. If you tell the truth you will be rewarded with riches, but if you lie, you will be sucked into the mirror forever. So the redhead walks into the bathroom and up to the mirror and says "I think I am the most beautiful of us three." She found herself holding the keys to a new really nice car. Then the brunette goes to the mirror and says "I think I am the most talented of us three. Then the blonde goes up to the mirror and says "I think..." and was immedietly sucked into the mirror.

Q: What would happen if you asked a blonde how to keep her busy for hours and hours? A: How would she know? She's still flippin the paper!

Three blonde dudes were walking through the woods when they got to a river. Looking for a way to cross it, one dude found a magic lamp then a genie came out of it and said he would grant each dude one wish. So the first dude said "I wanna get accross this river." So the genie granted him the power to swim and he swam to the other side. Then the second dude said "I wanna get accross this river without getting my hair wet" so the genie gave him a raft and he rode the raft to the other side. Then the third dude said "I wanna get accross this river without getting my hair wet or touching the raft." Then the genie was getting annoyed, so he turned him into a brunette woman then she simply walked across the bridge that was next to them the whole time.

There is a blonde cooking. She got careless and caught the curtains on fire. She called the fire department and says "hurry my curtains are on fire!" The man says "How do we get there?" The blonde says, "the BIG RED TRUCK DUH."

Two blondes are walking down the street, when they see a compact lying on the sidewalk. They decide to see if they can find who it belongs to, so the first blonde picks it up, opens it, and says," hey, this person does look kinda familiar!" The second blonde takes it from her and yells, "You idiot, that's me!"

I knew a blonde that was so stupid, she jumped of a cliff to see if the wings on her maxi pads would make her fly!

1. There is an American and a Russian arguing about what country was better. The Russian says, "We were the first to launch a satellite into space." The American laughed in his face and said, "that's nothing, we were the first to land on the moon." A Canadian blonde, over hearing the conversation, walks up and says, "That's nothing, we are gonna be the first to land on the sun." The American and Russian looked at each other and said "Are you mad? You'll die." The blonde responds, "Shows how much you know. We're going at night."

2. A Blonde, Brunette, and a Redhead are running through a field from the police. They run up to a farmer and ask him if they can hide in his barn. The farmer replys yes. They run into the barn and they each jump into a sack of potatoes. The captain runs up to the farmer and asks him if he saw a Blonde, Brunette, or a Redhead run by. The farmer replys no. The police search the barn anyway and tell the captain they cant find a thing. The captain looks at the sack of potatos, goes up to one and kicks it. The redhead replys, woof woof. the farmer says "That's my dog." The captain goes up to the next sack, kicks it, the brunette replys meow meow. Farmer says "That's my cat." The captain goes up to the last sack of potatoes, kicks it, and the blonde replys "PO-TA-TO'S !" YOU SEE BLONDES AREN'T STUPID THERE JUST NOT BRIGHT.

Q: What do blondes and vacuum cleaners have in common? A: They both suck, they both blow, and they both get laid in the closet!

Two blondes walk into a building. You would have thought one of them would have seen it!

I know a blonde so stupid, she locked herself in a bathroom pissed in her pants.

Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by the fuzz? A: She said,"No, but I've been swung around by the tits!!!

Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

A blonde went into a bar. On the stage, there was a ventriliquist and his dummy. He was telling blonde joke after blonde joke. Finally, the Blonde stood up and yelled, "You know, we really aren't as stupid as you make us sound. Why, I am a laywer, and my sister is a doctor and my best friend is a teacher, and we all have blonde hair. I think that just proves your point wrong!" The man stands up and says "I am so sorry, I didn't mean to offend you." then the Blonde replies, "Not you, I was talking to the asshole on your knee!"

A blonde was sleeping in her bed, when one night a burgler came in and stole everything in her house. In the morning she woke up and saw that she had been robbed. She grabbed the phone and called the cops. They sent in the K-9 squad (they wear sunglasses of course). When they arrived, the blonde ran out flaming mad, and screamed "I GET ROBBED AND YOU SEND ME BLIND COPS?!?"

Q: What's the similarity between a blonde and a turtle? A: If you turn them over, they're both screwed.

Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? A: 20, 1 to stir the batter and 19 to peel the smarties

It was a blonde's first night as a manager for a small store. Unfortunately, she remained in the store all night after closing hours because of the sign on the door that read "KEEP THIS DOOR CLOSED AT ALL TIMES."

A Policeman pulls a blonde in a sports car over for speeding and is trying to explain to her what and where her driver's license might be. After she eventually gives him her driver's license, he asks for registration.

Getting another blank blonde look from her, he explains, "It's that little piece of paper you get with your car and you keep it in the glove compartment."

"Ah," she says as she bends over to get it. While she is looking through the glove compartment, the officer unzips his pants and pulls his cock out.

Excited that she had found her registration, she turns around and looks up. A look of dismay crosses her face and she says, "Oh, no! Not another breathalizer test!"