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Up Country \ USA: American History
We all know a lot about history, from the text book’s point of view.
What we don’t know is how it really happened, A.K.A. what you are about
to read. First and foremost, our country started as a little seed.
| Yes, the seed was evil, and no, they don’t sell them at OSH. This
seed was planted by pilgrims, who in turn, began the nurturing process to
raise a nation. They came from England, because England didn’t love
them anymore. English separatists wanted to leave: criminals, men, women,
and assorted wilder beasts crowded onto a boat and set sail. A very smart
person gave them navigation maps and coordinates, which they followed the
coordinates to the edge of the Earth. Unfortunately, they found out that
a big ass continent was in the way. Fucking planet. |
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The pilgrims landed at Provincetown, and they figured they should introduce
a government and other assorted ways to dominate people smarter than they
were. They accomplished this with the Mayflower Compact, which was signed
by John Alden and a bunch of controlling assholes. And with this, the pilgrims
set up strongholds of ignorance all over the eastern coast of the now United
States. Then winter came, and everyone was fucked. The pilgrims tried to
counter the winter with pep rallies and parading mascots like John Smith
(actually a man in a costume saying he was John Smith) the wanker to raise
morale. |
This didn’t work, everyone still died to the elements, because they
knew that John Smith didn’t accomplish much. Really, the only thing
John Smith ever did was using an aphrodisiac to attract Pocahontas and screw
the Native Americans of the Algonquian tribe, by introducing the gene for
the stupid disease (Malanimance, or “bad mind state of being”)
into their gene pool. Pocahontas’ bad ass dad didn’t take shit
from anyone but Pocahontas, but since the aphrodisiac was controlling her,
she wanted Smith to stay, and marry her, and all that happy crap. Regardless
of the Algonquian situation, the Native Americans were helping the dip shit
pilgrims anyway, teaching them how to plant food, and eat it too. Pilgrims
always thought you “ate” something by pounding it with your forehead,
or blasting it with explosives, then trying to eat the remains. To repay
this kindness, the pilgrims started sneezing on the natives and holding them
hostage for finding tools abandoned in the middle of the forest. After
apologizing and explaining how they found the tools and figured they were
discarded for a reason, the pilgrims decided to form a treaty making the
natives work for them. Then aliens came, and gave the natives superior technology
as a reward for being passive, wise, understanding and empathetic as a whole.
Then they shared it with the pilgrims, who used laser blasters to steal the
natives’ half of the space swag, and becoming even more powerful. So
after this, eventually Takesgiving came around, although it wasn’t official.
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