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1/16/05 - (This portion is done by Return of the Dragon)
Before you embark on the greatness that is my writing, let me just clear
a few things up. If you don't know me, I often have very little compassion
or respect for things I don't understand. This leads me to saying certain
things that may or may not be inappropriate. If you are easily offended by
language or explicit content in any definition of the word, now is the time
to stop reading and hit the back button. For those of you who have a sense
of humor, please continue on what may be perhaps my most rage-filled
review...ever.
To understand what I'm about to say, one needs a background understanding.
There is a show network called "Noggin" that basically creates programs for
pre-teens/teens ages 10-18. They focus on barraging this group of impressionable
young minds with programming crap that I could best describe as an imitation
of programs that are on MTV/FOX. The vomit-inducing programs on Noggin run
the gamut from pathetic girls vs. boys competitions a la men vs. women on
the Real World Road Rules Challenge to the obviously staged dating show called
Best Friends' Date. Sitting atop of this mountain of programming dog shit
is a show called "Degrassi: The Next Generation"
Some of you may know about this show, some of you may not. For those who
do, bare with me cause I'm about to explain the clusterfuck that is Degrassi.
As you may be able to infer from the title, there did exist a first generation
of Degrassi. It was an original show that ran during the 80's that covered
the lives of teenagers dealing with teenager-like problems. The show garnered
little success and even less attention. Instead of letting this show die,
the show creators at Noggin thought "Hey, Degrassi is a great show that would
appeal to our target audience as shown by the great reviews given by our
10-18 year old focus groups. Let's bring Degrassi back from oblivion!" And
hence forth came the current disgrace "Degrassi: The Next Generation" into
television.
Those of you that needed the explanation, I envy your ignorance. At one point
in time, I too did not know what Degrassi was. But thanks to my sister who
watches shows like Degrassi, I was quickly absorbed into the nether regions
of terrible programming.
If you can't tell by now, I fucking hate Degrassi. Degrassi is the embodiment
of everything that is anti-american. The Degrassi show creators support
terrorism, they pimp out their actors to collect rent money, and they do
lines of coke off the wad of blood money that they have sacrilegiously earned.
On top of all that, the show is made in Canada (insert your own joke here).
Degrassi is, in a sense, everything t.v. should not be. How did I come to
this conclusion you ask? Simple. I watched many episodes of it.
"But Rubin," you say, "you are a hypocrite if you watch the show so often
and still degrade it," and to this I say "not true." I didn't want to watch
the show. Really, I didn't. But, I was strangely drawn to it, wanting to
watch how the shows creators constantly fucked with the lives of these
chraracters in this pseudo-drama. I realized that by watching this show,
I could more fully understand the bullshit. After hour upon hour that I have
wasted of my life watching this show, I have finally been able to come to
conclusion on why I hate Degrassi so much. The plot line that the creators
have made is so twisted, so fucked up, it more than blatantly contradicts
its obssession to seem "real" to its audience. But then again, what can't
you sell to snot-nosed, self-absorbed, arrogant pre-teens and their older
counterparts.
Let me begin with the cast of characters. Originally, the show began with
a few kids who were a bunch of goody two shoed bastards. Let me introduce
to you Ashley the queen of those do-gooders...
This bitch you see is the poster child for good girl gone bad. First she
was this believeable character who always followed the rules, never got in
trouble, and kissed ass whenever she could. Then all of the sudden, she got
tired of the bullshit, and decided to be bad. What did she do? You guessed
it, drugs. But not something predicatble like weed, oh fuck no, predictability
is too good for the screenwriters of Degrassi. Ashley decides to fucking
take ecstasy...at a lame ass house party. Who the fuck takes ecstasy at a
house party? It seems apparent no thinking went into the creation of that
one episode...but the tragedy doesn't stop there. As for Ashley, she fell
off and is no longer on the show. Good fucking riddance.
Then there is this bitch.
You would think by the innocent looking smile that the shows creators imbued
her with some sort of fucking intellect (and yea, she has a thing for black
guys). WRONG! Degrassi:1 Your Judgemnet:0. This girl, named Emma, thought
it was a great idea to meet one of her e-mail pals at some local hotel. So
what happens to her? Instead of meeting the young boy she thought she was
conversing back and forth with, she is greeted by this middle aged molester
who almost screws this little bitch, but somehow she gets this sudden influx
of intelligence and locks herself in the bathroom and proceeds to call police.
Unrealistic to say the least. If some dumb 12 year-old thinks its a good
idea to meet her "friend" at some hotel on a friday night, odds are she isn't
smart enough to escape from her molester. If I had to write this script,
I would have ended the show with the police finding Emma's body severed from
her head, molested in every hole possible with clothes strewn all over the
floor. That should fucking send a message to those pre-pubescent assholes
watching Degrassi. But hey, the hell do I know, right?
Moving on, I would like to introduce everyone to the obligatory fat person
on Degrassi, meet Terri.
As you can guess, Terri is fat and has no self-esteem. She constantly degrades
herself, and I find it rather refreshing that a fat person knows she is fat
and doesn't try to hide it with large clothing. So because she is fat, she
takes abuse rather well and because of this personality trait, finds a boyfriend
who is totally into the dominatrix shit. I will get to this later...just
know that Terri represented a person that might actually exist in society,
so the Degrassi creators killed the character off.
Next on my list is this bitch.
Let me put it succinctly, she has no place in the show. She was described
in one episode has hating Muslims. That's right she hates people who follow
the religion of Islam...her own nationality she claims is Jamaican.
Understandable? WRONG AGAIN! Degrassi: 2, Your Common Sense: 0. THIS BITCH
TURNS OUT TO BE A MUSLIM HERSELF. She was depicted in this one episode as
picking on the one muslim in her school, but it turns out she was just trying
to hide her real past, which was being a follower of Islam. Who the fuck
turns on their own people like that? I could totally see like a jew like
me who is tall and intimidating picking on some muslim, but a small black
girl with an attitude problem? Good job Degrassi creators, because now you
have really sold me on the believability of the show.
Now introducing the uberbitch, Paige.
Paige is that blonde-haired bitch who thinks she is fine and popular and
shit. Known to everyone as "that bitch," the producers of Degrassi actually
struck the right cord when they made this character. But they pull no punches,
as they to do the best they can to fuck with this character. So what happens
to her? She gets raped. Yea, some dude she thought was hot invited her to
some party, took her upstairs and proceeded to rape her. Nothing out of the
ordinary for Degrassi, this type of shit happens all the time. Sure she wants
to do something about it, but she's afraid, and the show writers, realizing
that they wrote themselves into a fucking corner, drop the story line and
don't continue on with what happens. Basically, this dude raped some girl,
and nothing happened as a result of it. God what a great world those people.
I'd love to go live there...rape someone and not even think twice about
it...*sigh*
Everyone, meet the emo shithead character Elle.
Look at her, I swear to god I want to body slam her into a brick wall so
bad it gives me a headache. Go ahead, look at her and her self-righteous
"I don't care what other people think of me" pose. Sure she could be the
foundation of tomorrow's Women Empowerment movement, but apparently she has
a problem with cutting herself. That's right, she gets masochistic pleasure
out of cutting her arm and seeing how much it bleeds. At this point in time,
you've got to be saying to yourself what the fuck have these kids not already
gone through? Believe me it gets better.
Everyone, I'd like y'all to meet the Degrassi's slut Manny.
In the beginning, this girl was young, not interesting, and had no tits.
Four to five years later, she has developed into a subject that any grown
man would take full advantage of. Personally, I would love nothing more than
to hate-fuck this bitch so hard that I would make the sodomy scene in American
History X look like consensual love making. Seriously, it would be so hard,
I would brake the bottom of her spinal cord, she would never be able to walk
again. She starred in this one episode where she decides to show off her
figure by wearing low rider jeans and thong hiked up as far past her hips
as possible. Basically every guy she passed by in that episode popped a boner
in less than two seconds, and needless to say, her character tries to whore
herself to as many boyfriends as possible. Now I will admit, I myself paid
little attention to other people 9th-12th grade, but where the fuck was this
girl in my high school? I was looking for a "Manny" around where I lived
for a quite some time, but to no avail. Oh, I know why, BECAUSE FIFTEEN YEAR
OLDS DON'T FUCKING WEAR THONGS UP PAST THEIR HIPS WITH LOW RIDER JEANS IN
HIGH SCHOOL. Where did the show's creators get their material, some fucking
wet dream they had? How come they just don't make softcore porn for teens
while they're at it, huh? All very good questions. My guess is that they
probably figured out that too many young boys were masturbating to Manny's
antics and had to change the direction of the show for fear of a spinoff
show that stars Manny where all she does is striptease. I would pay to see
that show, I don't care if that is pedophilia.
Whores galore on Degrassi. And shit is only gonna get better from here as
I introduce the mellowdrama that is the guys of Degrassi High.
Take a look at the future of the meatpacking workers industry.
Yea, its that common everyday shithead annoying skateboarder kid. Every high
school has them, in fact, every high school has a group of them. I can't
remember how many times I have had this one dream about beating the shit
out of a skateboarder...but I'll leave that to another blog. On top of being
an annoying shithead, this guy steals from his best friend because he is
jealous of the things he has. What kind of best friend is that? If my best
friend stole something from me, he would have to die. That kind of shit doesn't
make sense to me, but to hell with reason. In Degrassi, anything is possible.
This leads me to the said best friend as I mentioned before.
What can I say, the guy is black and therefore good in sports. Degrassi loves
to continue the stereotype. I will continue more on stereotyping later. Just
know that this guy gets shot up.
Next comes this joke of a character.
Mister "wrong side of 8 mile," this is Sean. He is a white kid with a bad
attitude. His underdeveloped arms and overdeveloped testosterone-filled attitude
make for a tough kid who is all talk. I hate these people almost as much
as skateboarders. And here is a fucking shocker, if you had to guess this
guy's age, how old would you guess? 14? 15? WRONG AGAIN YOU FUCKING IDIOT.
Degrassi: 3, Your Judgement: 0. In real life, this guy is a full year older
than me! UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE HUH? Yea, look at his arms. I can't see any
muscle definition at all. I looked like that when I was in the 7th grade.
If I had to bet who would win in a fight, me at 13, or this guy at 19 (which
he is) I would choose myself at 13. Look at this guys eyebrows...I've seen
images of Neanderthal humans whose eyebrows aren't nearly as thick as "Sean's."
This character is laughable. When I first saw this guy, my bullshit detector
went off like no other. Good job Degrassi talent recruiters.
Then comes this guy.
You can tell he's working the boyish charm thing. Keeps clean shaven, just
how the ladies like it. Only one problem. This dude comes from a broken home
(insert collective sigh here). His mom is dead and is dad was controlling
and abusive. God forbid Craig came home 5 minutes late or else he would get
the shit beaten out of him. You know what, it looks like he deserves it.
Just when I thought there was at least one good part of the show, Degrassi
slaps me upside the head with the sledgehammer of plot twist. Turns out this
guy's dad is such a fucking psycho, one day he just peels out in his BMW
after a rage-filled diatribe against his son where he proceeds to get into
a car accident and kill himself. That's right, even more shit ass drama turns
out to be just another day at Degrassi. But it gets better, Craig blows off
his father's death as if it were nothing and what happens to him? He gets
not one but two girlfriends. And he manages them both for an extremely long
amount of time. Mind you, this guy is like 16, manages two bitches, and doesn't
get caught. Grown men spend their lives to even achieve half of the success
that Craig has. Congratualtions Craig, you might as well wear a fur fucking
coat and a purple hat with a feather in it because you are a P.I.M.P. Real
fucking realistic Degrassi, keep up the good work.
I'm going to be real short and to the point with this one.
This is Marco. As you can see, he is gay. A gay character on a show for kids.
When did he decide he was gay you ask? At the ripe old age of 14. Yup, he
decided he was gonna take up the ass reeeeeeaaaaaaal early. This just makes
me sick. I think there were gay people at my high school, but I'm not sure.
I really would not like to know either. I just shudder everytime I see this
person.
Finally we have Rick.
Look for this kid in your local high school shooting. Rick's character is
a fuck up. Simply put, his life is just fucked, thats all. Remember Terri?
Yea, he had a thing for her. He's really into being abusive/possessive and
did everything her could to intimidate the fat bitch. This is the thing that
REALLY put me over the edge. The way that they made him act seemed too mature.
The way a 15 year-old is possessive and the way a 40 year-old is possessive
is very different. They made Rick seem like a scheming sadist with his FIRST
girlfriend. So he is basically ostracized by the Degrassi community, but
he tries to get back in their good graces. But his efforts fail. Being constantly
picked on, he did the only thing the Degrassi writers thought he could do,
HE WENT ON A SCHOOL KILLING FUCKING RAMPAGE. This dude brings a .22 and puts
a hole through the black kid (sterotype) before he gets into a struggle with
the fake ass tough kid (Sean) and shoots himself where he later dies. Fucking
pussy. If I got shot in the stomach, I would laugh it off, but then again,
thats just me...
After all the drama that has happend on Degrassi, the show ends the season
with a school shooting...what a way to go out. I could just see the directors
in some room writing this show, digging themselves into a deeper and deeper
hole. Now I don't know much about directing, but I produced two movies totalling
5 minutes of film over a one year course in film during my senior year in
high school. The two movies I created were shit, and I still got an A in
the course (thank you bobby bongos). I can honestly say, with no ego, I put
more storyline content in the 5 minutes of film that I created than the amount
of storyline that exists in 4 seasons of Degrassi.
If it were God's will for me to die right now and go to hell, and I had a
choice of what to do for the rest of eternity, either watch every episode
of Degrassi ever created or fellate a hot curling iron, I would cry. I would
cry because I would not be able to determine which is the lesser of the two
evils.
I hope that the creators of Degrassi stumble upon this one day. I hope they
read every fucking word and then proceed to commmit suicide.
Degrassi... I hope you people choke and die.
1/16/05 - (this portion is done by davepoobond)
As an addition to Return of the Dragon's very well written article, he did
forget two of THE most annoying characters on the show, which I will introduce
in my part of this article. All others pale in comparison to how much
of a killing spree that I MYSELF want to go on after seeing an episode of
this drivel with them in it. I would so wish to just run down
the halls of Degrassi MYSELF and shoot everyone in the head.
Unfortunately, Rick beat me to it, but didn't get the job done right
since the show isn't exactly over. I haven't watched Degrassi for a
long time, because I can't take that shit, plain and simple. If I watched
it every week my blood pressure would become so high that I would get an
aneurysm instantly. I'd have three heart attacks, go blind, go deaf
and then have my balls fall off all at the same time if i watched a whole
season in one day.
It is so annoying to watch the relationships go through the best of times
and worst of times in this show. For the longest time, Ashley and that
black guy Jimmy went out. And then Emma and Sean liked each a lot,
but then Sean started hanging out with some bullies from the high school
or some shit like that. Then Ashley and Jimmy break up, and Ashley
goes "bad." Then Emma finds out she likes 10 inch cock instead of Sean's
2 inches. And the next two characters I will explain had some sexual
tension between themselves, which makes it even MORE annoying, because those
two interacting together is worse enough. The mere THOUGHT of seeing
them together as a couple or even kissing would be worse than Hiroshima AND
the Tsunami that everybody's and their dog donated money to.
This is Tobi. He's Ashley's brother.
You could say that this guy was pretty much the main star of Degrassi for
at least a season. Ashley and himself go to the same school, and they
hate each other, rightfully so. This guy is such a turd burglar its
not even funny. He's a kiss-ass through and through and as soon as
something goes down that he doesn't like he tells an adult. He's a
fucking snitch, a fucking loser, and has/had only one friend. But then
he told on his friend for doing some stupid shit, but Tobi couldn't keep
it a secret because of his "morals." Tobi's friend was the only TOLERABLE
character on the goddamn show. But then they had to make Tobi's friend
fucking annoying by making Tobi and his friend hate the fucking guts out
of each other because of that earlier incident.
This is Liberty. When she comes to mind, I think of a secretary. A
stupid fucking secretary who has no job opportunities other than being a
secretary for the rest of her life.
Liberty is the MOST annoying piece of shit character on this fucking show.
She acts like she's smart, but she's really just a fucking stupid morron
who doesn't know shit. I hate her, I hate Tobi, and Tobi hated her.
But guess what? Liberty was all after Tobi's ass for like a whole
season. And then they kissed I THINK. I think I saw that shit,
too. None of these people described deserve to be on a television show
at all. The people who made this show need to die, the people work
on the show besides the best boy and the gaffer need to die. All copies
of any episode of this garbage need to be burned or destroyed, and every
television set that has Noggin should block it from their channel listings.
FUCK DEGRASSI, DEGRASSI: THE NEXT GENERATION, AND FUCK NOGGIN!
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