Home \
Stories \ Die
Clown DIE!
Prologue: Camera Man Gets a Dumb-Assignment
"Mr. Zog, please come in here," Mr. Zog’s boss said.
Mr. Zog doesn’t look too thrilled as he gets up from his desk and starts
to walk to his boss’s office.
"Ooh, somebody’s gonna get it now!" Mr. Zog could
hear from a distance as he walked into his boss’s office.
"Ah, Mr. Zog! I have a special assignment for you. You
are going to test our latest and greatest camera, and it doesn’t weigh
anything at all. We can connect it to your brain and eyes and it’ll
have your thoughts recorded along with what you are seeing, when you turn
it on. Walk to your left and the surgeons will begin surgery." Mr. Zog looked
sad, and walked toward the door.
"Oh, wait, here’s your first assignment" Mr. Zog’s
boss said as he handed him the assignment and then said "See ya later," when
Mr. Zog walked through the door, his boss then mumbled, "Wouldn’t wanna
be ya"
Chapter 1: Goin’ On a Clown Hunt
"Great, just great. I’m stuck with two so called
‘cops’ out to arrest clowns. What an assignment my boss gave me,
sheesh, and I haven’t even seen these guy’s faces," thought Mr.
Zog, as he sat in the back seat of the "police" car.
He then said, "Hello everybody, I’m on assignment
with Sheriff Wimplespoon, and Deputy Jimmy Jones of the Ump Town Police
Department in New Jersey, hunting for clowns."
Deputy Jimmy Jones then added "That’s right, there
are many, many types of clowns. Alien Clowns, Vampire Clowns, Ghost Clowns,
but today we’re going to hunt down one of the most vicious types of
clown in the world.....the ones who smoke cigarettes!"
The computer in the car started to beep. That means there
is a sighting of a clown.
The computer beeped and said, "Clown that smokes cigarettes
sighted at some no-name café place. Please report to Second Street
and Slushy Boulevard!!! NOW!!!"
Sheriff Wimplespoon looked at Deputy Jimmy Jones, and
said "Let’s roll!" as Sheriff Wimplespoon went top speed, and put on
a Ricky Martin CD.
Mr. Zog yells, "AAARRGGHH!!!! NOT RICKY MARTIN!!!!!!
TURN IT OFF!!! TURN IT OFF!!! PPPPLLEEEAAASSEEE!!!!!"
Sheriff Wimplespoon looks back at the Camera Man in disgust,
"Shut up, you’re interrupting ‘Cup of Life’!"
Mr. Zog, thinking to himself, says, "I can’t take
this punishment! I can only hope we get there soon...."
Chapter 2: Doughnut and Coffee Break
Suddenly the Police Car stopped.
Then the Mr. Zog said, "Hey, what is this place??"
Sheriff Wimplespoon replied, "Don’t worry, we’re
stopping at Doughnut Palace for some doughnuts and we’ll be right back."
Deputy Jimmy Jones has an evil grin on his face and he licked his lips. Mr.
Zog looked at the two officers like they were crazy, which they were, looked
down at the floor and shaked his head from side to side, saying ‘sad’
over and over again.
Chapter 3: Bloody Biscuits
Sometime while Mr. Zog was waiting, he actually started
missing the two stupid cops. So he got out of the car and walked toward the
Donut Shop. Inside he saw the two cops talking about something, and as he
walked in, they stopped talking.
The doughnut man walked by Mr. Zog in his tutu, and Sheriff
Wimplespoon then said, with his mouth full, "I thought you were staying in
the car" Mr. Zog couldn’t reply, because he was looking at the big ring
of powder and frost on their lips.
He finally said, "Uh, um, yeah, uh, ok..." Then he walked
over to the table the cops were sitting at and sat down with them.
Mr. Zog asks as he looked down at the
‘doughnuts’, "Hey, what kind of doughnuts are those?" Sheriff
Wimplespoon looked at Deputy Jimmy Jones with a nervous look on his face.
Then he replied, saying, "Uh, they are, umm, jelly donuts...yeah that’s
it! Jelly donuts! You can’t see the jelly till you...eat...it..."
Mr. Zog replied, "Don’t mind if I do" as he reached
and picked up one of the donuts.
Sheriff Wimplespoon looked a little scared as Mr. Zog
chomped away at the doughnuts.
Sheriff Wimplespoon then said, "Hey, slow down, foo!
Save some for us!" Right after Sheriff Wimplespoon said that, Mr. Zog made
a few choking sounds and put his hands across his neck. Deputy Jimmy Jones
has a bewildered look on his face.
Mr. Zog managed to say, "Ch...o....k...i...nn..gg..."
But, as soon as he said that a lot of blood started coming out from his mouth,
and the last thing that he could remember was that the cops had took out
a syringe of some kind....
Chapter 4: Smells Like Clowns...or Cheap Coffee
Mr. Zog woke up just as the police car gets to the
café. Sheriff Wimplespoon turned off the car, Ricky Martin music going
dead, everybody unloads, except Mr. Zog who got out sort of dizzy. This was
the first time Mr. Zog got a glimpse of the two cops he was with. Sheriff
Wimplespoon was a chubby man, that had brown hair with white streaks in it,
he looked around 50 years old. Deputy Jimmy Jones, on the other hand, was
a tall man, with black hair, long legs, and long fingers. His eyes almost
looked like an alien’s in the night. The officers turned away from Mr.
Zog and started to walk toward the café.
Chapter 5: Clown in Café Gets Beat Up
For no reason Sheriff Wimplespoon said, "By the way
what’s you name?"
Mr. Zog hesitated for a moment and said, "Uhhhh, umm.....Mr.
Zog"
Sheriff Wimplespoon said, "Oh, that’s a nice name,
Mr. Zog," just as they walked through the door.
Deputy Jimmy Jones yelled, "THERE HE IS!! THERE’S
THE CLOWN!!! GET HIM!!!" The clown looked up at the officers with a dumb
look, and the cigarette dropped out of his mouth into his lap, just as the
officers tackled the clown to the floor. The clown kicked his feet all over
the place.
"What are you DOING???? I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!!!!"
Sheriff Wimplespoon yelled, "SHUT UP!!!! WE KNOW YOUR GAME!!! YOU ARE SILLY
GOOSE POOP THE CLOWN, AND YOU SMOKE CIGARETTES!!! SO WE MUST ARREST YOU!!!!"
Chapter 6: Silly Chit Chat
The Clown says, "I’m NOT going!!!!!!"
Sheriff Wimplespoon says, "YES YOU ARE!!!"
"I’m NOT going!!!!!!"
"YES YOU ARE!!!"
"I’m NOT going!!!!!!"
"YES YOU ARE!!!"
"I’m NOT going!!!!!!"
"YES YOU ARE!!!"
Chapter 7: The Torture of It All
After about an hour of saying, "I’m not going",
and "yes you are", the cops get the clown into the police car.
Silly Goose Poop the Clown says, "What are you going
to do to me???"
Deputy Jimmy Jones says, "We’re going to take you
to the station, beat you, put you on scary rides at an amusement park, make
you watch 24 hours of Barney. Then put you through the ‘It’s a
small world after all’ ride 1000 times, take your rubber nose and stomp
on it, tickle you, trip you, leg drop you. To top it off, make you listen
to Whitney Houston for a week, slam your head against a wall a couple of
times, whip you, punch you, bite you, step on your brand new rubber shoes,
set your hair on fire, make you watch Spanish Wrestling, and the Creme de
la Creme, kill you, if you’re not already dead."
Silly Goose Poop the Clown looked unhappy and said, "Does
it have to be a 1000 times?"
Deputy Jimmy Jones said, "No, we’ll make it 10,000,
just for you." Silly Goose Poop the Clown rolled his eyes and says, "Gee,
thanks....."
Deputy Jimmy Jones nodded with an evil grin and says,
"You’re welcome."
Chapter 8: Fresh Meat
When they got to the police station there was a crowd
of clowns rioting against the harsh treatment of clowns.
Sheriff Wimplespoon gets out, smiled, licked his lips
and said, "Fresh meat" and got Silly Goose Poop the Clown out of the car
and pushed through the crowd with Deputy Jimmy Jones holding Silly Goose
Poop the Clown’s legs.
Chapter 9: A Sad Little Room With One Window
Once they got in to a dark little room with cement walls
they threw the clown against the wall, he made a splat against the wall and
dropped down.
Sheriff Wimplespoon looked at Mr. Zog and said, "We’ll
be right back. You stay here, Mr. Zog." Deputy Jimmy Jones and the Sheriff
walked outside, and through the only window in the whole room, a bright light
flickered a lot, and stays on for a while. There are a lot of screams until
the light turned off.
After a few minutes the Sheriff and the Deputy came back
in and punched the clown in the kidneys.
The Sheriff turned to Mr. Zog and said, "Let’s go
to a night club. We’ll let the other officers torture him for a while."
Chapter 10: Cop Steps in Poo
On his way to the car, Deputy Jimmy Jones said, "Ah,
crap"
The Sheriff looked at Deputy Jimmy Jones and says, "What
is it?"
Deputy Jimmy Jones says, "I stepped in poo....now my
new steel toes with rocket boosters are smelly....they cost a lot of moolah."
Chapter 11: The Hippie Clowns that Sing on the Front Lawn
"Sorry, guys, we won’t be going to the night club
just yet. We need to make a stop at some old lady’s front yard. Some
hippie clowns are there." Sheriff Wimplespoon said, with an annoyed tone.
When they got to the old lady’s front lawn there were some singing clowns
and a lady that was screaming.
Sheriff Wimplespoon then said, "This isn’t a pretty
sight, stay in here, it won’t be too long." The Sheriff gets out of
the car goes over to the lady, shoots her, then shoots the clowns with his
gun and comes back to the car.
"See, I told you it wouldn’t take long." Sheriff
Wimplespoon added as he turned the car on."
Chapter 12: Oh, Puppy Poo
When the police officers got out of the car, they made
their way almost to the night club doors, when Deputy Jimmy Jones tripped
over a puppy, into some puppy poo, face first.
Mumbling through the poo, Deputy Jimmy Jones says, "I’m
like a poo magnet..."
Chapter 12: Die Clowns DIE!
Mr. Zog, Deputy Jimmy Jones, and Sheriff Wimplespoon
later find themselves at a party.
Mr. Zog thinks to himself, "Oh boy, oh boy! I hope there
are some hot chicks here!" But unfortunately for him he finds that this was
a clown’s night club. There was a guy, named Vanilla Clown, that was
singing his song "Clown, Clown, Baby." "CLOWN, CLOWN, BABY.....CLOWN, CLOWN,
BABY " says Vanilla Clown. Sheriff Wimplespoon takes out his .44 and shoots
it in the air. The clown stops singing and everybody looks to where the gun
shots were.
Sheriff Wimplespoon then yells, "YOU’RE ALL UNDER
ARREST!!! BUT THEN AGAIN, SINCE YOU ALL SMOKE, YOU DESERVE TO DIIIIEEEE!!!!"
Sheriff Wimplespoon points his .44 at the nearest clown he sees and has a
smile on his face.
Chapter 13: Fresh Meat, Full of Lead
"BLAM, BLAM!" Went the gun and, as the bullets made contact
with the clown it was going for, it made a sickening cccrrackk.
Deputy Jimmy Jones then yelled over the fire, "Sheriff,
there are too many!"
Sheriff Wimplespoon spoke into his little walkie talkie
on his shoulder and yelled, "Mass Clown Cult!! We need Reinforcements
immediately!!!" Within a few seconds a whole squad of cops came in with
flame-throwers and rifles.
Sheriff Wimplespoon then yelled, "HIT THEM WITH EVERYTHING
YOU GOT!!!" Then a stupid officer gets out from the line with his flame-thrower
and burns a whole lot of clowns. They all said,
"MELLLLTTINNGG....MMEELLLTTTINNGG" except for one who said it in Spanish.
Somewhere through the battle four ninja turtles and two monster things were
shot while fighting each other....
Chapter 14: Later That Night
Sheriff Wimplespoon shook the hands of all the officers
that participated in the "glorious" event as he said it.
Sheriff Wimplespoon then yelled, "Good job everybody,
you see anymore clowns, you shoot them, you hear me? Homee Gz!" Just about
then, Mr. Zog came out of the building and said, "Wow, that was actually
fun, and I liked taking all the money that wasn’t burned and shot with
a bullet through from the clowns wallets, and drank a whole lot o’
beer.....uuugghh....I don’t feel to good" And the last thing he could
remember was falling into the arms of Sheriff Wimplespoon....
Chapter 15: Adventures in CameraLand
In Mr. Zog’s dream he’s running away from a
flying craft of some sort, but it was in a shadow. Except that it had bright
lights on the sides of it. He’s screaming something, but he can’t
understand what, and behind him are two figures chasing after him. Which
looked like the two cops. The flying thing sped up, and a very bright light
came from the middle of it to the ground, and sucked Mr. Zog up, and then,
and then, and then.....Mr. Zog woke up, screaming, "AAAAHHHH!!!!" Mr. Zog
looked around and calmed down.
Chapter 16: AWeird Sack of Puppy Poo and Aliens Don’t Have Noses
Deputy Jimmy Jones ran toward him and said, "Hey, why’d
you scream?" But before Mr. Zog could reply, Deputy Jimmy Jones tripped over
a bag, clearly marked, "Weird Sack of Puppy Poo." Mr. Zog looked up and said,
"Uhhh....nightmare...." Deputy Jimmy Jones said, "Oh ok" as he got up, turned
away, but looked back, and started peeling his face off. Mr. Zog screamed
and backed up against the wall, as Deputy Jimmy Jones takes off all of his
skin, and what he was....was....he was....an....an......alien!!!! The alien
screeched, "I want your nose!!! I don’t have a nose, so I want yours!!!"
Mr. Zog yelled and screamed, and everything gets all "snowy."
Epilogue: Unsolved Mysteries Takes Things From America’s Most
Wanted
The Unsolved Mysteries guy focused into view from a TV
screen next to him and said, "That was the captured footage of the clown
abducting aliens. We still do not know what has happened to the Camera Man,
Sheriff Wimplespoon, Deputy Jimmy Jones, Silly Goose Poop the Clown or the
crowd of disturbed, disgruntled, hairy faced, nose picking, arm-pit scratching,
booger-eating, Backstreet Boy loving clowns who have excruciatingly severe
body odor and back hair, outside expressing their anger outside the police
station. If you have any information at all, please dial us at, 1-900-WESUCK1.
All charges are charged to you, ‘cause we are cheap and don’t have
any money, and out 1-800 numbers just turn into 1-900 numbers after a few
minutes like that psychic phone line thing. Um....ok, bye...."
Epilogue 2: Squigginsquash, Squibblepumpkin, See ya later!
Two people and a puppy come into focus. The person on
the right says, "Hi, my name is Woo!" The other person then said, "My name
is Hoo!" They then both said in unison, "And this is Sergeant Scruff." The
little puppy gives a little howl. Woo and Hoo then sang together, "Now’s
the time to say good byyyeee" As the Woo and Hoo said bye the puppy gave
a howl. Then Woo and Hoo stop singing and said, "So, bye." Then they walk
away.
Home \
Stories \ Die
Clown DIE! | 
