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Elias Account \ Hanging Onto Sanity by a Very Thin Thread: Why I Despise
Clothing
Wallowing in depression brought on by the fact that I have been a student
of higher education for almost three weeks and have learned no more than
how to say “Hello” in German, how cells divide, and the fact that
while the toilets may be reserved for only one gender when dealing with urination
and defecation, either gender may use them when vomiting, I came to the most
profound realization I have had in...well, actually, I’ve never had
a profound realization before. I realized that I utterly despise clothing.
How, you might be wondering, could I despise something as deeply ingrained
into our society as clothing? Well, the reason is quite simple: clothing
was originally made to protect us from the elements and keep our oh-so private
parts out of view, but over the years clothing has become a superficial
obsession, which devours large portions of our time and money, and which,
although it continues to protect us from the elements, definitely doesn’t
cover up nearly as many private, or not so private, parts as it once did,
which is one change in the status of clothing that I thoroughly support.
As I open my crust-covered eyes at 8:56AM on Monday, I am overcome with an
irrepressible rage when I realize that before I go to my 9:00AM class I have
to put on pants and a T-shirt. If my professors would merely let me go to
class buck naked, I would be much more relaxed, even though everyone around
would not be.
Clothing also costs massive amount of money; money that I could be using
to purchase more important things such as NBA star bobble heads, or, considering
how many sellouts there are in professional sports, actual NBA stars. The
greed of the multimillionaires who own these clothing corporations amazes
me. The fact that they are willing not only to charge me huge sums of money
for colorful pieces of cloth, but also willing to enslave poor, starving
third world children to make these pieces of cloth is utterly astounding.
As greedy as I am, I would never stoop so low as to enslave poor, starving
third world children, but I might stoop low enough to enslave rich, well-fed
American adults, preferably rich, well-fed American adults who own multibillion
dollar clothing corporations which enslave poor, starving third world children.
The main reason that clothing has become far to big of a social concern,
a reason that I’m sure many Colby students can understand, is that at
least a couple of times a year I am forced to wash my clothing. I have to
shell out $1.25, and waste at least five minutes, just so that my clothing
“doesn’t smell,” isn’t “covered in food stains,”
and isn’t “harboring dangerous bacterial infections.” And
unlike the last eighteen years of my life, in college I don’t have a
mom to do my laundry for me. This is why I’ve decided to offer the
considerable salary of 89 cents and the honor of being around me everyday
to anyone willing to be my surrogate mom. Your responsibilities would be
doing my laundry, changing my bed sheets, and, of course, telling me that
I’m special and wonderful my own unique way.
No matter how much I try, I realize that I will never convince everyone the
time and money we spend on clothing, not the mention the time and lack of
money that child laborers are forced to spend on it in order to accommodate
our relatively frivolous concerns, proves the evil nature of clothing. Which
is why I’ll be satisfied if I can only convince all the incredibly hot
chicks to not wear clothing. Actually, now that I think about it, I’ll
be satisfied if I can convince even one incredibly, no, one somewhat hot,
no, one chick to not wear clothing. Unfortunately for me, as Mark Twain once
said, “The finest clothing made is a person's skin, but, of course,
society demands something more than this,” but then again, as Will Ferrell
said, “We’re going streaking through the quad ”
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