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Tales \ The Baked Beans Story
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked
beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively
reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent
that they would marry, he thought to himself, 'She'll never go through with
the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice
and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since
they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would
be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and
the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any
ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving
had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted.
He putt-putted down one hill and putt-putted up the next. By the time he
arrive home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
"Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table
and made him promise not to peak.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his
wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made
him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one
leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a
hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised
his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled
worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the
smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt
another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This
was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table
rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping
an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise
of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes,
farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and
freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife
walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner
table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and
yelled, "Surprise!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the
table for his surprise birthday party.
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