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It all started with an avocado. That damn fruit. I hate avocados. Avocados
are green. They bounce. I don't like bouncy things. Especially bouncing avocados
that are green and hit mailman car thingys. This is my story. I’m a
postal worker.
..............
"BOO!!" said Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man. Naturally, I screamed. I was a bit
of a pansy. I AM a mailman. I run away from a lot of things.
Kittens...dogs...myself, but most of all clothes hangers. Clothes hangers
are scary. They’re all pointy and stuff. If you brought one up to me,
I’d scream like a little girl in a yellow polka dot dress. Its
horrible...not really.
Y’know what I did when Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man scared me? I PEED MY
PANTS! Quack, quack, quack, moo pie. Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man laughed at my
pants, and gave me a free Moon Pie. The Moon Pie was cold. Mmmmmmmmm moon
pie, taste like..............moon. I had to think of a way to leave the Ice
Cream Truck man...so I told him my peas were getting cold. He said he understood,
and he left.
I was at home. In my underwear. Not boxers, but whitey tighties. I like the
way they feel. My mother is a nut. Seriously. She’s a walnut. A giant
walnut. Don't ask me how my dad got me. It is a science unknown to man.
Ahglahglah. So, I was sitting down...drinking a beer...watching soap operas...the
good kind...you know, Vietnamese soap operas. I didn’t understand the
soap operas, because the captions were in Vietnamese. That really pisses
me off. But its funny because I dub for them. I record the soap operas and
then leave them in the mail boxes I go to during work. Smell my cheese grater.
So, I went to work the next day. I had a few joints. Not like it mattered.
I just tripped over a few chairs...regular postal etiquette. I got my box
full of mail to make my rounds. It takes 9 hours at least to deliver all
the mail. There’s this one guy that has half a box of mail everyday.
Its all porn, too. He’s a crazy old man. I think he has two 89 year
old granddaughters. He’s got to be as old as the White House. He has
a dog, too, you know. It’s called Mr. Giant Fluffy Bunny Fur. Mr. GFBF
for short. She (the dog) smells like Dr. Pepper and guacamole. Anywho!
I have my own place, but its a pile of mulch. I bought it on ebay. Ebay is
a cool thingy. You can get beer for one dollar. And its easier than going
to the store I live under. Sometimes, the toilets leak, and the flushed toilet
water seeps through the boards, and waters my plants. I just had a seizure.
Ok, now, I’ll tell you about my pets. I have a pet keyboard. He types
stuff. He talks with me when I pet him. He only does it when he’s turned
on. Yes...
Comma. Wait....coma. I’m in a coma. I don’t know how, but I am.
Ok, I’m out of it. That was a nice one second coma. I’ll tell you
a story. Its about a patio chair, and the way it impaled me.
I was sitting on a chair. Then my only friend, Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man, took
his patio chair, and stuck it up my nose. LISTEN TO MY GIANT BLOATED ORANGE!!!
LISTEN TO IT!!!!!!! I screamed, and screamed and screamed. It hurt like a
mother walrus. Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man said he was sorry, and left, ringing
his bell. I don’t know why he did that, because he didn’t have
a bell...
I’ll tell you about a pillow. Pillows are funny. They’re soft and
cuddly. But they’re also deadly. The feathers in my pillow punctured
through the material surrounding it, and jammed into my eye. I thought I
was being speared like a fish. OoOOoo, look at the lumpy sack of graham crackers.
I’m going to talk about a vacuum cleaner now. Vacuum cleaners are noisy.
Sorta like a toilet, but the flushing noise is always there. Its really annoying.
I’ll tell you something about vacuum cleaners. You can get sucked into
them. Only if you’re two foot four or under. Jabba the Hut makes good
slushies. I like the Backstreet Boys. They’re silly. SILLY LIKE A MOTH!
That means they’re stupid, and they eat cloth. I’ll tell you another
thing about them.
Oh, I have another story.
The End.
Wait, wait. I’m not done
The End.
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