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Janitor's Great Adventure
The first time I saw the lady, I knew my life was over. But why start the
story at the end? Let's start from the beginning…
It was Saint Patrick's Day, and everyone was drunk. That's when I was made.
Ain't it grand? Anyway, I got born. Momma said I'd be a good janitor. Dadda
said that I'd make a good towel rack. So I did what I thought I should do
for a career. Be a janitor. Momma always liked it when I helped her work
at home. She was a homework maker. The type of person that makes homework
worksheets for schools and lazy teachers to use when they didn't want to
make their own.
Annnnnyyywayyy….my parents named me when I was old enough to go to college,
even though I would never go to college. They named me after their favorite
restaurant. Burger King. Burger King was a strong, forceful name, Dadda said.
Dadda never married Momma. That meant Dadda could go out and hump the grass
whenever he wanted. Dadda and Momma wanted to get married, but unfortunately,
they were waiting for me to make income before they could use my money to
get married, and give 5 dollars to all the dancers that would come. They
were planning a grand marriage. One that would never come, because a freak
accident happened to them. An invisible man came over and chopped their heads
off, while they were getting stoned.
Poor unfortunate parents…
ANYWAY. I got hired at a school, and was treated with respect, people were
so nice to me, saying hi to me then walking away laughing. I'm glad I made
them happy. I think it was my smell that did it.
One day, I heard a rumor from one of the loser kids I became friends with,
and sometimes buy alcohol for so he can give to other people, that a teacher
was all high on heroin, and was raped 56 times up the ass. Of course it was
a rumor, it wasn't true…
Or was it?
I will never forget that day…February 31, 2009. You may say "hey wait
a minute, February doesn't have 31 days!" Well, I say to you "WRONG WRONG
WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!!!" In the year 2009, the inhabitants of Bahrain got
pissed off that February only had 28 days, and 29 days for some years, that
they made a proposition at the United Nations to change that. Europe was
in an outrage, and so was the Americas. But, China and India got behind Bahrain.
The world made war on itself over the issue. Eventually a smart man said,
"lets jus thave 31 days in February." And everyone said, "ok" and stopped
fighting. Treaties were signed, movies were made, history book writers were
bored, and everyone went back to their boring old jobs.
Besides the fact that only a puppy lost his life from natural causes during
the war, it was about time that…um…whatever…
Anyway, that teacher I told you about? 9 months after I heard that rumor,
I saw her wobbling down the hallway, all fat and shit, and she shoulda been
teaching her damn fangled Social Studies class. That bitch. She was screaming
something about her water breaking to me, but I looked at the drinking fountain
and it looked fine to me. Then she shook me by the collar screaming, "take
me to the hospital, you assholeeeeee!!!"
I never been to a hospital, so I grabbed her, and got into my janitor car
thingy, and shoved her in it too, driving down the main road in town, hoping
to find the thing she was talking about.
I saw a big blue sign. Momma said that hospitals have big blue signs so I
assumed it was the hospital, so I drove through the windows but when I crashed
through it, everyone was sitting down at tables…eating pancakes…since
when did hospitals have pancakes? But…I was wrong. Dead wrong.
The teacher was pissing all over the place, tossing baby poop, baby pee and
babies all around the place,and people got pissed off and threw up, and tossed
their pancakes at the waiters. Of course the waiters were getting mad, so
the waiters charged the customers more money. We were smack dab in the middle
of an IHOP. Don't blame me, I'm just a janitor…
The End.
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