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the Mob
"It's been two years since I joined the mob, but it feels like forever. I
ain't that good at this sort of stuff so don't be all up in my face about
being weird OK?" says Patrick to the psychologist. "I've only just begun
to talk about my life so just whatever you do, do not interrupt me."
"Alright, I won't say much, but every once in awhile I might need to intervene
and talk to you about this and that. But please continue. Tell me how it
all started."
"It started like this"
'I was thirteen; just became a teenager. I saw these weird mimes. All they
did was just stay in this invisible box. They were really dumb. Then I saw
some guys in black coats. All of a sudden they took out machine guns and
killed the mimes. It was kinda funny only because the mimes were still trying
to be in the box and were still smiling when they died. Later I learned the
mimes were actually a part of the infamous gang, the Evil Mime People, EMP.
'I didn't like those mimes, so I joined the Evil Mime People Killers, EMPK.
They were another gang devoted to killing the EMP. I only started when
I finally got to kill my first EMP. The problem was that my partner was a
stupid parrot who could hold a nail in his mouth. The parrot's name was Squacky.
'He talked too much, and all he talked about was how his beak was the color
purple, though it was actually yellow. I made friends with a magical blue
dwarf, whose name was Bob. Bob likes monkeys, so he got one. The monkey can
only say "monkey", but it's a really funny monkey. The monkey ate Squacky,
so I really like the monkey now.
'Bob, his monkey Bobby, and I went out to get our mime. The mime's name was
Fishydaft, a common mime name. We saw Fishydaft at the movie theater and
he was on a break, eating a moose sandwich. We got out of the car and Bob
went to the right, Bobby went to the left, and I went straight forward.
Fishydaft saw me, and he took out a big thingy that looked like a boot.
It was. I ran forward and so did the others.
'BAM! We all hit Fishydaft with our remote controls. Bobby then ate Fishy's
moose sandwich. Bob reported to base and we got 500 dollars each. It
was in monopoly money, but it's better than nothing. We went out to celebrate.
'I called the Mooseycheesemuffin Restraunt. I ate a cheese sandwich, Bob
ate a muffin, and Bobby ate a moose sandwich, again. We paid with our monopoly
money and they sent us to the back to wash dishes for our payment. While
we were washing, I saw a mime out side. I told the other two, and we stopped
washing and went for the door. The mime was easy to catch, and we put him
in our car and took him to base.
'Our scientists conducted experiments on him, and found out that the EMP
were planning to go to the Really Big Carnival Thingy and mime there. We
were put on this mission and took some super mime eating binders. While going
to the carnival, we saw a cow. We decided it should come with us to go on
some rides. Her name was Cowie. She ate Bobby, but we got over it. Now
we were at the carnival when this funny thing happened. I had to eat a duck
for some reason. So, I went to the duck stand and bought one. I ate it and
it tasted like a gooseduck, a crossbreed of a goose and a duck. I was infuriated.
All I could do was kill the guy who sold it to me. Then I was arrested for
having a cow that could eat monkeys, but I got out for being a member of
DA, Doughnuts Anonymous.
'We now could get those EMPs. I was the first to see them. They were doing
that stupid box thing and I yelled, "Get down on the ground and drop those
invisible fish." Bob said, "Eat magical blue dwarven phones." Then suddenly
a moose was being chased by a gangster of the cheese Mafia. Cowie said,
"mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooose." I noticed that
he was Moose D. Cloun; the famous circus idiot."
I asked him for his autograph and he said, "Duh, OK. Let me eat my cheeeeeeeeeese
first. There you go. Bye." Bob had already phoned the mimes to death, so
I ate a cheese poof; it was the best I have had in one week. I then went
to the Mooseycheesemuffin Restraunt. Bob and I had the same as last time.
But then it happened. There were 50 EMPs and only 2 EMPKs. We were
outnumbered and outfishied. They stormed in and started doing their
stupid box thingy once again. That just made me mad; as mad as a moose who
sees a cheese covered Muffinman. I pulled out a big Algebra book and
started to kill them by reading algebraic equations. That made them even
worse. They then tried, poorly I might add, to climb and invisible rope.
I was, along with Bob, so scared I peed my pants, and said, "Nooooooooooooo,
not that, anything but that. Fortunately, I had a spare mime eating
binder left from the Really Big Carnival Thingy. What a relief, now I could
sit back, eat my cheese sandwich- mmmmmmm, cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeese- and enjoy
the melodic sound of mime eating binders doing their job. Uh oh. 3 mimes
got away. Cowie, Bob, and I chased after them.
"You won't get away this time," I yelled. "Wait, I know. I can attract them
by singing their favorite song 'Monkey Go Poof'." And so I sang and sang
and sang and sang and sang and sang till I had to stop and take breather.
Both my team and the mimes waited until I had my breath back. After
30 minutes I asked the others if they wanted to watch a movie. They responded
with a gracious and humble yes. So I took them all to see Barney (the stupid
guy in a dinosaur costume finally stops singing 'I love you' and starts to
work on Sesame Street).
"It got two thumbs down. It's supposed to be really stupid. So what are you
waiting for, let's go in." When we get in, we are the only people there and
the mimes say in sign language, "Lets sit in the front row and look up the
entire time." We all agree to this, of course. The movie starts and
we start booing for no reason what so ever. Barney says, "Can I be
on Sesame Street." And that weird red thing called- oh, what is his
name. It ends in o, but I can't remember the other letters. Oh yeah, Elmo-
Elmo says, "OK" Then, the movie ends. We all say, "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
That was the best Barney movie ever." After we get our picture taken
with Barney, Cowie kamikazes the mimes, killing herself. Bob and I
say, "Awwwwww, Cowie died. Yaaaaaaaaay, she killed those stupid mute mimes."
"Squack"
"Who said that?"
"I did"
"Oh ok"
Now that it was only Bob and I, we had to make do with out a companion. As
long as we could just kill the EMP leader, we could go into an early retirement.
We thought 'yay', no more stupid work. After we thought about that
a little more, we went to a bathroom. We really needed the break. I was cleaning
my hands when I noticed that a mime was in stall number 4. So you now what
we did? We took him to a BSB concert, and boy did he scream. All he
did was scream the whole time. After like thirty minutes of screaming, the
singers stopped singing to kick the idiot to death. The group made t bucks
from that concert. "Finally they might stop singing now that they know they
suck," Bob said.
"I ain't afraid of no boy band"
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha no.
"What you talkin' 'bout Willis. Show me the money! Aye carumba! I wish I
could make up an awesome catch phrase like those," I said. "Well maybe
one day you will," said Bob. Back to the story now. After that awful
BSB concert, we had one last dinner at the Mooseycheesmuffin Restraunt. I
say it was my last, because it got blown up after what happened next. What
happened in the Mooseycheesemuffin was so undescribingly awful that I have
to say one thing, "Put your kids away and never let them out until half an
hour after I finish this part of the story. Thank you for your cooperation."
Now, when I say scary, I mean SCARY. I started off with a moose sandwich,
and Bob had a cheese sandwich. While we were eating our sandwiches, one thousand
EMPs entered the room and totally thrashed the place. See I told you
it was scary. Well, as you should have already figured out, we tried
to kill all the mimes we could but they kept coming back to life somehow.
But then I noticed a sudden UFC- an unidentified flying candy-flying through
the air. It killed every single mime with the exception of one, the
leader of the EMPs. He was the biggest mime I had ever seen, not to mention
the ugliest one, too. He had two heads, one good, and one bad. The
good one said, "I am happy," and the bad one said, "I am not happy." So the
bad one killed the good one, which also killed the mime. "Yay" we said,
"no more stupid mimes. Now we get an early retirement." And we riverdanced
the night away. "And so ended the evil killing spree of those stupid
mimes. So what do you think? Was it a good life or what?" I asked.
"Mr. Dwagalad," Jeff said, " nowhere in your incoherent babbling did you
even get close to a good life story. I mean, even an idiot could make up
an average story, but you actually did all this stuff. I'm just appalled."
Jeff went on and on and on and on until I killed him too; he started
looking like a mime.
The moral of this story is that you should never go to a restraunt called
the Mooseycheesemuffin.
The
End
'Yay'
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